If for a single second…

WhatsApp Image 2019-03-27 at 14.35.13

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk as often. Maybe some space will help you move on.” “But even space has something for us to love about, my dear.”

Okay picture this, me and you, we are holding something heavy above our heads. Neither of us can do it alone, but together we can manage. If one of us let’s go, the other dies. That’s where we are. I don’t want you to go, so I don’t let go. You don’t want me to get crushed, so you won’t let go. Whatever the reason, we are trapped in this moment. The worst part is, it is my own doing. Now I can either push you away, saving you, but killing me, or I can let go, killing you. I wanted love. You wanted friendship. Now we are trapped in a situation where either we both come to terms, or one of us takes the shit-storm that’s coming. You see, I’m more than willing to take it, if it saves you, but you wouldn’t let me. Thus, we are in constant conflict. I came to crossroads where I had to choose to let you go or hold on to something that will never happen, and I always chose the same road every time. I wish we could have been more; you wish I would stop wishing that. It’s simply chaos brewing. I do want to move on, but I just don’t want to. Every day I tear myself apart trying to keep our friendship that means so much to you, never for an instant letting you see the cracks and faults that form day by day.

Every day that I talk to you, I fall in love with you more and more, every day I don’t, I miss you more and more. Either way, giving up is impossible. I know I can’t force you to stay with me. But now you force me to shut off my emotions and feelings toward you and just be friends. Why can’t I love you but still be friends? Seeing you as just a friend seems like such a nightmare. You say you feel guilty, because you feel like you’re giving me false hope. Well I feel guilty for falling in love and creating this situation in the first place. There’s a lot of things I’m willing to do to help us both but moving on is not one of them. So please don’t ask me to, I’d hate to have to say no to you

Why can’t I? I don’t know. All I know is that you matter to me far too much for me to just let you go. I can’t bear to lose you. But now we grow distant each day. I told you earlier this was going to happen, but you believed it wouldn’t and that we could still be friends without me having feelings for you. But how can you expect the result to be any different if every time I see you, I still see the same things I fell in love with earlier? How can I move on when all I can think of every time, I see you, is how fucking amazing you are?

I have so many questions, but no answers. I have so many problems but no solutions. But that’s not new. I’ve had that my whole life and I’ve spent my entire life searching for a solution, searching for home, waiting to be understood and I met you. One hour of talking and you’re already completing my sentences. You didn’t just listen, you understood and for those few hours that we talked that day, I felt genuinely happy. You just washed away all my worries like waves on a beach and as soon as you were gone, those worries came back, more potent. I guess that’s what got me addicted to you like a drug. That constant need to have you around. But apart from just taking my worries away, in you, I had found everything I was looking for but so much more.

Now all I can do is stare at that one picture we took together that day and see what I look like, when I’m happy. It’s certainly very different and much better than the face I see in my mirror every day. People ask me how my life could be so perfect. Popular at college, lots of friends, never weak, always laughing, always strong and just happy. If only they knew, that under my strong character is a weak broken heart, under my happiness is an endless ocean of pain and despair, behind every laugh is an attempt at masking the footprints left by tears, behind every friend I make is my search for her in someone else, behind my popularity is the determination to not repeat the same mistakes I’ve already made. I keep trying to be a better me every day, and nothing changes. In the end, I still revisit the same moment repeatedly.

I guess some people are cursed with too much hope. Hope of a brighter future that stops me from running away from pain and despair. But it seems it only leads to more pain. I guess I’m cursed to walk an endless path of hurt to a destination that will never come. I guess I’m cursed to be too strong to give in to the pain and quit but too weak to ignore the pain and be happy. It seems I’m cursed to simply feel the pain repeatedly and endlessly.

I would never show you any of this even though I know you will understand. I’ve created enough problems for you as it is. But how can I stop loving someone who’s funny and awesome enough to make me happy just by being in the vicinity, but sweet enough to offer to sit and listen to me if I ever wanted to share something with you, or if I simply needed to vent? You claim you’re not perfect, but you don’t see that it’s the combination of your perfections and imperfections I fell in love with. No great painting is painted only with bright colors, no great song was sung only with high notes. No perfect person ever existed but if they did, they wouldn’t be as interesting as the imperfect ones. It’s not that you’re perfect, it’s just that you’re real.

I’ve lost count of the number of days I wished that I could mean as much to you as you mean to me or even half as much. It’s true, unrequited love hurts, but what hurts the most is when you ask me to move on, because I’ve to choose between lying to you, or seeing you storm away annoyed that I refuse to move on. Of course, I would always choose to maintain your trust even if the sight of you storming away hurts more with each step you take. It reminds me each time, that one day, I’ll see that for the last time. I don’t know how I’ll deal with it though. I maybe strong, but every strong person has a weak spot they try to safeguard with the strong demeanor and mine is losing you. I just hope I don’t fall apart in front of you, I would hate to leave that in your conscience. I’ve always been strong, motivated others to be too. But now I think I may be on a path that will strip away all my defenses and tear me apart.

But I guess that’s the way it works. Maybe one day you’ll change your mind, maybe you’ll feel about me tomorrow as I feel about you today. But you see, that’s the thing about tomorrow, it’s always coming but never really arrives. I just hope if that day does come, it’s not too late. I’ve never wished for you to regret anything, and I never will, but sometimes I just wish you would let me be, let me love you the way I do, instead of trying to force me to not. Sometimes I wish you would just accept things the way they are. Sometimes I feel guilty for putting someone as nice as you through this. But in the end, I remember that there’s nothing I can do. I’m as helpless as you are, maybe a bit more. But hey, it was still a privilege, nonetheless. You may not be with me tomorrow, but you’re here today. I’ll never regret that; I’ll never regret meeting you. I’ll only regret not being the friend you wanted me to be, I’ll only regret disappointing you as much as I did.

I don’t know if there’s a life after this one, but if there are any, I just hope that in what could be an infinite lifetimes, there’s at least one where we are together, even if it’s merely for a second. It would be great if I could know what your love feels like for a single second, once in an infinity of lifetimes. A single second where I mean to you more than anyone else. A single second, where I’m genuinely happy. A single second I would forever remember and cherish. A single second that’s too much to ask for. A single second I would give anything to have. If  for a single second…

Written by Arvind

Blogs Guest Dreams

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